Monday, March 12, 2012
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Friday, March 9, 2012
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
The Literary Agents Speak to the Novelists
* Although the writing is good, the characters strong, and the story compelling, I just didn't fall in love with the book. Also, I'm dating another book right now.
* Given the market for fiction right now, I don't feel I can successfully represent this book. Your book's like a little piggy that's not going to market!
* I found your characters to be one-dimensional like the paper they were written on. I simply wasn't drawn into the story in a two-dimensional way. I used to study art. My favorite color is red. I went to Vassar. I live in Brooklyn.
* Thank you for the opportunity to read your novel. I don't feel I'm the best agent to represent it. I wish you much success. Being a writer, you must find some perverse appeal to this robotic kind of rejection.
* Thank you for your query. Due to the overwhelming number of queries we receive, we are overwhelmed. Unfortunately, we represent a small number of established clients, as opposed to an established number of small clients. Wait--I mean "fortunately." Therefore we must pass on the opportunity to represent you. We are passing.
* I used to like reading novels. Now I hate it. I have lunch with famous writers. I hate that, too. My favorite novel was published in 1951. I still masturbate to it. Editors are insufferable. New York is expensive, loud, crowded, and dirty. Help!
* You think Ingvold is an interesting character. We don't. In fact, we had a good laugh when I read the sentences describing him out loud. How can you stand to live on the West Coast? Isn't that almost China? Who names characters "Ingvold"? Ew.
* I'm afraid I lost interest in the book halfway through. I also lost the pages from the second half. Sorry. Good luck! I start drinking gin at noon every day.
* Your novel contains references to several different kinds of blades. I couldn't possibly represent it because I have a terrible fear of castration.
* I wasn't offended at all by your premise, unusual though it is. I just don't want to represent the book. I love being so picky! Ha, ha, ha!
* I've never heard of you. No one I know has heard of you. Where did you get your MFA? Did you get an MFA? Who do you know? The novel may be good, but I don't have time to read it, and no one's ever heard of you. Are you in Witness Protection? We represent celebrity novelists with multi-platform appeal that we can leverage. Am I getting through to you?
* Given the market for fiction right now, I don't feel I can successfully represent this book. Your book's like a little piggy that's not going to market!
* I found your characters to be one-dimensional like the paper they were written on. I simply wasn't drawn into the story in a two-dimensional way. I used to study art. My favorite color is red. I went to Vassar. I live in Brooklyn.
* Thank you for the opportunity to read your novel. I don't feel I'm the best agent to represent it. I wish you much success. Being a writer, you must find some perverse appeal to this robotic kind of rejection.
* Thank you for your query. Due to the overwhelming number of queries we receive, we are overwhelmed. Unfortunately, we represent a small number of established clients, as opposed to an established number of small clients. Wait--I mean "fortunately." Therefore we must pass on the opportunity to represent you. We are passing.
* I used to like reading novels. Now I hate it. I have lunch with famous writers. I hate that, too. My favorite novel was published in 1951. I still masturbate to it. Editors are insufferable. New York is expensive, loud, crowded, and dirty. Help!
* You think Ingvold is an interesting character. We don't. In fact, we had a good laugh when I read the sentences describing him out loud. How can you stand to live on the West Coast? Isn't that almost China? Who names characters "Ingvold"? Ew.
* I'm afraid I lost interest in the book halfway through. I also lost the pages from the second half. Sorry. Good luck! I start drinking gin at noon every day.
* Your novel contains references to several different kinds of blades. I couldn't possibly represent it because I have a terrible fear of castration.
* I wasn't offended at all by your premise, unusual though it is. I just don't want to represent the book. I love being so picky! Ha, ha, ha!
* I've never heard of you. No one I know has heard of you. Where did you get your MFA? Did you get an MFA? Who do you know? The novel may be good, but I don't have time to read it, and no one's ever heard of you. Are you in Witness Protection? We represent celebrity novelists with multi-platform appeal that we can leverage. Am I getting through to you?
The Situation
even if you believe in a
divine ordering, you have to feel
the absurdity of our wee
ball-bearing, which spins
in a corner of infinity.
there's no way
to make sense of the situation,
so you just live in the situation
as you find it. i will not say God
isn't. how could i know that?
us and our "minds": ha!
this is one unfathomable
situation, this situation of
ours, for sure.
Copyright 2012 Hans Ostrom
divine ordering, you have to feel
the absurdity of our wee
ball-bearing, which spins
in a corner of infinity.
there's no way
to make sense of the situation,
so you just live in the situation
as you find it. i will not say God
isn't. how could i know that?
us and our "minds": ha!
this is one unfathomable
situation, this situation of
ours, for sure.
Copyright 2012 Hans Ostrom
E.B.B.'s birthday
I hear it's Elizabeth Barrett Browning's birthday today. Here's a link to a recording of her poem called "Love" (not the ultra-famous sonnet, by the way):
LINK
LINK
Monday, March 5, 2012
Literary Spat
A noted literary critic writing
a scathing review of a poetry anthology
edited by a noted poet does have
the sheen of a fresh gleaming
hound's turd--this much is true.
Also true is that review, critic,
poet, anthology, and opinions
about opinions will dessicate
as rapidly as the hound's deposit,
turn chalky white,
then go to fine dust,
which is then worked
into soil by water
from a noted rainstorm.
Copyright 2012 Hans Ostrom
a scathing review of a poetry anthology
edited by a noted poet does have
the sheen of a fresh gleaming
hound's turd--this much is true.
Also true is that review, critic,
poet, anthology, and opinions
about opinions will dessicate
as rapidly as the hound's deposit,
turn chalky white,
then go to fine dust,
which is then worked
into soil by water
from a noted rainstorm.
Copyright 2012 Hans Ostrom
Relatiionship Weather Report
Take a look at our radar map,
and you'll see that by tomorrow morning,
a low-pressure area will move in
over our relationship.
This could create some moisture
by mid-day, in the form of tears
and perspiration. As we get further
into the week, the temperature
between us will drop, and by week's
end, we could be seeing an extreme-
relationship-warning. There is a 50%
chance of a break-up by Saturday,
so you'll want to dress
appropriately. Please visit our
me-and-you-ologist's site for
up-to-the-minute information.
Copyright 2012 Hans Ostrom
A Casino
A casino's like Heaven.
Everyone's from somewhere else
and they focus on metaphysics:
chance, fate, grace, fortune,
and suspension of time.
It is like Hell.
It accelerates desire,
distracts from rest.
Crowds circulate
zombically, and sounds
of jangling mocks music.
Theft jeers kindness.
A casino's like us,
who pretend to be callous,
corrupt, and daring,
but who lack sufficient
guile (and funds), tire
easily, and need to go
to the bathroom.
It banishes subtlety.
We love it for that.
It is humorless,
puritanically crass.
We don't forgive it that.
It is life. I always wins
because it never gambles.
Copyright 2012 Hans Ostrom
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