The Literary Agents Speak to the Novelists

* Although the writing is good, the characters strong, and the story compelling, I just didn't fall in love with the book.  Also, I'm dating another book right now.

* Given the market for fiction right now, I don't feel I can successfully represent this book.  Your book's like a little piggy that's not going to market!

* I found your characters to be one-dimensional like the paper they were written on.  I simply wasn't drawn into the story in a two-dimensional way. I used to study art. My favorite color is red. I went to Vassar. I live in Brooklyn.

* Thank you for the opportunity to read your novel. I don't feel I'm the best agent to represent it. I wish you much success. Being a writer, you must find some perverse appeal to this robotic kind of rejection.

* Thank you for your query.  Due to the overwhelming number of queries we receive, we are overwhelmed. Unfortunately, we represent a small number of established clients, as opposed to an established number of small clients. Wait--I mean "fortunately."  Therefore we must pass on the opportunity to represent you.  We are passing.

* I used to like reading novels. Now I hate it. I have lunch with famous writers. I hate that, too. My favorite novel was published in 1951. I still masturbate to it. Editors are insufferable.  New York is expensive, loud, crowded, and dirty. Help!

* You think Ingvold is an interesting character.  We don't. In fact, we had a good laugh when I read the sentences describing him out loud.  How can you stand to live on the West Coast? Isn't that almost China? Who names characters "Ingvold"? Ew.

* I'm afraid I lost interest in the book halfway through. I also lost the pages from the second half. Sorry.  Good luck!  I start drinking gin at noon every day.

* Your novel contains references to several different kinds of blades. I couldn't possibly represent it because I have a terrible fear of castration.

* I wasn't offended at all by your premise, unusual though it is. I just don't want to represent the book. I love being so picky! Ha, ha, ha!

* I've never heard of you. No one I know has heard of you. Where did you get your MFA?  Did you get an MFA? Who do you know? The novel may be good, but I don't have time to read it, and no one's ever heard of you. Are you in Witness Protection?  We represent celebrity novelists with multi-platform appeal that we can leverage. Am I getting through to you?