* Although the writing is good, the characters strong, and the story compelling, I just didn't fall in love with the book. Also, I'm dating another book right now.
* Given the market for fiction right now, I don't feel I can successfully represent this book. Your book's like a little piggy that's not going to market!
* I found your characters to be one-dimensional like the paper they were written on. I simply wasn't drawn into the story in a two-dimensional way. I used to study art. My favorite color is red. I went to Vassar. I live in Brooklyn.
* Thank you for the opportunity to read your novel. I don't feel I'm the best agent to represent it. I wish you much success. Being a writer, you must find some perverse appeal to this robotic kind of rejection.
* Thank you for your query. Due to the overwhelming number of queries we receive, we are overwhelmed. Unfortunately, we represent a small number of established clients, as opposed to an established number of small clients. Wait--I mean "fortunately." Therefore we must pass on the opportunity to represent you. We are passing.
* I used to like reading novels. Now I hate it. I have lunch with famous writers. I hate that, too. My favorite novel was published in 1951. I still masturbate to it. Editors are insufferable. New York is expensive, loud, crowded, and dirty. Help!
* You think Ingvold is an interesting character. We don't. In fact, we had a good laugh when I read the sentences describing him out loud. How can you stand to live on the West Coast? Isn't that almost China? Who names characters "Ingvold"? Ew.
* I'm afraid I lost interest in the book halfway through. I also lost the pages from the second half. Sorry. Good luck! I start drinking gin at noon every day.
* Your novel contains references to several different kinds of blades. I couldn't possibly represent it because I have a terrible fear of castration.
* I wasn't offended at all by your premise, unusual though it is. I just don't want to represent the book. I love being so picky! Ha, ha, ha!
* I've never heard of you. No one I know has heard of you. Where did you get your MFA? Did you get an MFA? Who do you know? The novel may be good, but I don't have time to read it, and no one's ever heard of you. Are you in Witness Protection? We represent celebrity novelists with multi-platform appeal that we can leverage. Am I getting through to you?