Monday, March 26, 2012
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Men Suffering A Drop-Off
By Hans Ostrom
“Something is
happening to men—their penises are falling off.” That’s the first line from a synopsis of my
new novel, Without One, which is available inexpensively on Kindle, free to Kindle Prime members:
Link: Without One on Kindle
Link: Without One on Kindle
The premise of the novel is that a strange new microbial
plague strikes in the near future.
Although the microbe is a flesh-eater, it has a modest appetite. It devours men’s penises but is self-limiting
and stops there, leaving those affected healthy again but obviously not
whole. At any rate, the plague soon
gets its own acronym: RAPIDS: RAPID PENILE DEGENERATION SYNDROME, and RAPIDS,
as they say in Twitter-Land, is trending.
When I started writing the novel, I didn’t think the premise
was all that outlandish, given the history of satire. Gulliver’s
Travels does some wild things with the body, for example, and more
particularly, the protagonist and narrator of Tristram Shandy has his own phallic issues. I thought the comic, satiric, and farcical
implications of such a premise would allow people to move quickly beyond
certain gruesome images that might spring to mind, and as I constructed the
plot, I kept the gory details to a minimum.
But I had a heck of a time getting agents and editors
interested in the book. One well-known
agent who prides himself on being open to the most fantastical plots and
premises wrote back and said, “Sorry—too much, even for me.” A less well-known agent—another male—wrote that
he couldn’t possibly represent the book because he had a morbid fear of
castration. My response, which I didn’t
share with him, was, well, doesn’t that mean the book is marketable? I didn’t see the novel as horror fiction, but
horror fiction exploits people’s fears in a fictionally safe way, right?
Now, however, I think I have more reason to indulge in the
fantasy that Without One is a book
whose time has arrived, and I have the GOP to thank. They’re determined to politicize genitalia
and sexuality. True, they focus exclusively on women’s private parts, not to
mention their private rights. Apparently
nothing to do with female sexuality is sacred to them. In a roundabout way, via the issue of gay
marriage, they get around to male sexuality, but they are positively obsessed
with controlling women’s bodies, in my opinion.
But if you’ll notice, they don’t touch the penis, so to
speak. If males want to buy
contraception, they’re free to do so, without being forced to watch videos, have
their penises undergo a sonogram, or tell their bosses why they’re buying
condoms. (“Uh, we’re going to make water-balloons out of them.”)
According to the GOP view, men are also free to impregnate a
woman and then have her suffer all the consequences, have her choices about how
to handle the pregnancy limited, and so on.
The GOP’s logic concerning
contraception—you’d think that, if they’re against abortion, they’d be for
contraception—makes an Escher print look realistic.
So it’s high time, I argue, imitating the self-serving logic
of the GOP, that we had a novel that shifts the focus from women and puts it on
the masculine member.
Without One
follows an ensemble cast of sufferers, journalists, doctors, epidemiologists,
evangelical preachers, activists, conspiracy-theorists as society struggles to
come to grips, as it were, with RAPIDS, which has almost everyone reconsidering
what it means to be a man if the man suffers a drop-off. The tale goes all the way to Washington
D.C., where it takes a detour around the wounded Washington Monument and amble to the White House, where the
president—one Luther De Long—has reason to suspect he’s been exposed to
RAPIDS.
Is he a Republican or a Democrat? The novel doesn’t say—because RAPIDS doesn’t
respect such boundaries. Respect
boundaries: what a concept.
Published by Congruent
Angle Press, Without One is available for download to Kindle on amazon.com.
Hans Ostrom is a poet,
novelist, and screenwriter. With Michael
Kerr, he co-wrote the script for the soon-to-be-filmed romantic thriller,
“NAPA,” starring Rose McGowan, Sean Astin, and Kevin Pollack. He teaches at the University of Puget Sound,
Tacoma, Wash.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Monday, March 19, 2012
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Monday, March 12, 2012
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Friday, March 9, 2012
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
The Literary Agents Speak to the Novelists
* Although the writing is good, the characters strong, and the story compelling, I just didn't fall in love with the book. Also, I'm dating another book right now.
* Given the market for fiction right now, I don't feel I can successfully represent this book. Your book's like a little piggy that's not going to market!
* I found your characters to be one-dimensional like the paper they were written on. I simply wasn't drawn into the story in a two-dimensional way. I used to study art. My favorite color is red. I went to Vassar. I live in Brooklyn.
* Thank you for the opportunity to read your novel. I don't feel I'm the best agent to represent it. I wish you much success. Being a writer, you must find some perverse appeal to this robotic kind of rejection.
* Thank you for your query. Due to the overwhelming number of queries we receive, we are overwhelmed. Unfortunately, we represent a small number of established clients, as opposed to an established number of small clients. Wait--I mean "fortunately." Therefore we must pass on the opportunity to represent you. We are passing.
* I used to like reading novels. Now I hate it. I have lunch with famous writers. I hate that, too. My favorite novel was published in 1951. I still masturbate to it. Editors are insufferable. New York is expensive, loud, crowded, and dirty. Help!
* You think Ingvold is an interesting character. We don't. In fact, we had a good laugh when I read the sentences describing him out loud. How can you stand to live on the West Coast? Isn't that almost China? Who names characters "Ingvold"? Ew.
* I'm afraid I lost interest in the book halfway through. I also lost the pages from the second half. Sorry. Good luck! I start drinking gin at noon every day.
* Your novel contains references to several different kinds of blades. I couldn't possibly represent it because I have a terrible fear of castration.
* I wasn't offended at all by your premise, unusual though it is. I just don't want to represent the book. I love being so picky! Ha, ha, ha!
* I've never heard of you. No one I know has heard of you. Where did you get your MFA? Did you get an MFA? Who do you know? The novel may be good, but I don't have time to read it, and no one's ever heard of you. Are you in Witness Protection? We represent celebrity novelists with multi-platform appeal that we can leverage. Am I getting through to you?
* Given the market for fiction right now, I don't feel I can successfully represent this book. Your book's like a little piggy that's not going to market!
* I found your characters to be one-dimensional like the paper they were written on. I simply wasn't drawn into the story in a two-dimensional way. I used to study art. My favorite color is red. I went to Vassar. I live in Brooklyn.
* Thank you for the opportunity to read your novel. I don't feel I'm the best agent to represent it. I wish you much success. Being a writer, you must find some perverse appeal to this robotic kind of rejection.
* Thank you for your query. Due to the overwhelming number of queries we receive, we are overwhelmed. Unfortunately, we represent a small number of established clients, as opposed to an established number of small clients. Wait--I mean "fortunately." Therefore we must pass on the opportunity to represent you. We are passing.
* I used to like reading novels. Now I hate it. I have lunch with famous writers. I hate that, too. My favorite novel was published in 1951. I still masturbate to it. Editors are insufferable. New York is expensive, loud, crowded, and dirty. Help!
* You think Ingvold is an interesting character. We don't. In fact, we had a good laugh when I read the sentences describing him out loud. How can you stand to live on the West Coast? Isn't that almost China? Who names characters "Ingvold"? Ew.
* I'm afraid I lost interest in the book halfway through. I also lost the pages from the second half. Sorry. Good luck! I start drinking gin at noon every day.
* Your novel contains references to several different kinds of blades. I couldn't possibly represent it because I have a terrible fear of castration.
* I wasn't offended at all by your premise, unusual though it is. I just don't want to represent the book. I love being so picky! Ha, ha, ha!
* I've never heard of you. No one I know has heard of you. Where did you get your MFA? Did you get an MFA? Who do you know? The novel may be good, but I don't have time to read it, and no one's ever heard of you. Are you in Witness Protection? We represent celebrity novelists with multi-platform appeal that we can leverage. Am I getting through to you?
The Situation
even if you believe in a
divine ordering, you have to feel
the absurdity of our wee
ball-bearing, which spins
in a corner of infinity.
there's no way
to make sense of the situation,
so you just live in the situation
as you find it. i will not say God
isn't. how could i know that?
us and our "minds": ha!
this is one unfathomable
situation, this situation of
ours, for sure.
Copyright 2012 Hans Ostrom
divine ordering, you have to feel
the absurdity of our wee
ball-bearing, which spins
in a corner of infinity.
there's no way
to make sense of the situation,
so you just live in the situation
as you find it. i will not say God
isn't. how could i know that?
us and our "minds": ha!
this is one unfathomable
situation, this situation of
ours, for sure.
Copyright 2012 Hans Ostrom
E.B.B.'s birthday
I hear it's Elizabeth Barrett Browning's birthday today. Here's a link to a recording of her poem called "Love" (not the ultra-famous sonnet, by the way):
LINK
LINK
Monday, March 5, 2012
Literary Spat
A noted literary critic writing
a scathing review of a poetry anthology
edited by a noted poet does have
the sheen of a fresh gleaming
hound's turd--this much is true.
Also true is that review, critic,
poet, anthology, and opinions
about opinions will dessicate
as rapidly as the hound's deposit,
turn chalky white,
then go to fine dust,
which is then worked
into soil by water
from a noted rainstorm.
Copyright 2012 Hans Ostrom
a scathing review of a poetry anthology
edited by a noted poet does have
the sheen of a fresh gleaming
hound's turd--this much is true.
Also true is that review, critic,
poet, anthology, and opinions
about opinions will dessicate
as rapidly as the hound's deposit,
turn chalky white,
then go to fine dust,
which is then worked
into soil by water
from a noted rainstorm.
Copyright 2012 Hans Ostrom
Relatiionship Weather Report
Take a look at our radar map,
and you'll see that by tomorrow morning,
a low-pressure area will move in
over our relationship.
This could create some moisture
by mid-day, in the form of tears
and perspiration. As we get further
into the week, the temperature
between us will drop, and by week's
end, we could be seeing an extreme-
relationship-warning. There is a 50%
chance of a break-up by Saturday,
so you'll want to dress
appropriately. Please visit our
me-and-you-ologist's site for
up-to-the-minute information.
Copyright 2012 Hans Ostrom
A Casino
A casino's like Heaven.
Everyone's from somewhere else
and they focus on metaphysics:
chance, fate, grace, fortune,
and suspension of time.
It is like Hell.
It accelerates desire,
distracts from rest.
Crowds circulate
zombically, and sounds
of jangling mocks music.
Theft jeers kindness.
A casino's like us,
who pretend to be callous,
corrupt, and daring,
but who lack sufficient
guile (and funds), tire
easily, and need to go
to the bathroom.
It banishes subtlety.
We love it for that.
It is humorless,
puritanically crass.
We don't forgive it that.
It is life. I always wins
because it never gambles.
Copyright 2012 Hans Ostrom
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Friday, February 24, 2012
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
White Silence
*
*
*
*
White Silence
Emily, I love you, but some
truths can't be told slant.
This country's never made
right what it did and does
to Black folks. On that score,
its soul is rotten and always
will be until it makes things
right. Its edifices will forever
be without foundation until
it makes things right.
Emily, more White folks
need to break this White silence,
which covers the U.S. like
Antarctic ice. It is White folks
who must insist at last
that this nation face itself
at what it did, and what it does.
Copyright 2012
*
*
*
White Silence
Emily, I love you, but some
truths can't be told slant.
This country's never made
right what it did and does
to Black folks. On that score,
its soul is rotten and always
will be until it makes things
right. Its edifices will forever
be without foundation until
it makes things right.
Emily, more White folks
need to break this White silence,
which covers the U.S. like
Antarctic ice. It is White folks
who must insist at last
that this nation face itself
at what it did, and what it does.
Copyright 2012
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Fat Man on the Radio
*
*
*
*
Fat Man on the Radio
There's a fat man on the radio
who thinks he knows it all.
My truck is stuck out on I-5.
I'd settle for a crawl.
I have to get this load to Texas
or else I won't get paid.
The blowhard on the radio--
he won't come to my aid.
Fat man on the radio,
jerking people's chains.
The fat man: hell, he just
pretends to know our pains.
Copyright 2012 Hans Ostrom
*
*
*
Fat Man on the Radio
There's a fat man on the radio
who thinks he knows it all.
My truck is stuck out on I-5.
I'd settle for a crawl.
I have to get this load to Texas
or else I won't get paid.
The blowhard on the radio--
he won't come to my aid.
Fat man on the radio,
jerking people's chains.
The fat man: hell, he just
pretends to know our pains.
Copyright 2012 Hans Ostrom
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
see so many just
*
*
*
*
see so many just
i see so many just
hanging on, or not,
staggering in wind
without a coat (as
TV heads mock
people-just-getting-
by); keeping upright
in a job while worrying,
weary, ill, afraid to miss
a shift, target, quota, goal.
see so many
ground down--
and the grinders:
well ensconced with
cosmetic surgery,
lawyers, gates, and
lies. see so many:
cubes and cubes of
housing, broken street
after broken street, &
slashed by alleys. something's
coming. don't know what.
maybe just more of
same. maybe reckoning--
a gray wind chasing
indifference and evil
across a plain full
of smoldering phones
and melted ear-buds.
see something staggering
in the cold, walking past
an empty police cruiser,
strolling toward a swarming
crowd, sound of cockroach-
scuttle coming out of
speakers. and a wailing.
Copyright 2012 Hans Ostrom
*
*
*
see so many just
i see so many just
hanging on, or not,
staggering in wind
without a coat (as
TV heads mock
people-just-getting-
by); keeping upright
in a job while worrying,
weary, ill, afraid to miss
a shift, target, quota, goal.
see so many
ground down--
and the grinders:
well ensconced with
cosmetic surgery,
lawyers, gates, and
lies. see so many:
cubes and cubes of
housing, broken street
after broken street, &
slashed by alleys. something's
coming. don't know what.
maybe just more of
same. maybe reckoning--
a gray wind chasing
indifference and evil
across a plain full
of smoldering phones
and melted ear-buds.
see something staggering
in the cold, walking past
an empty police cruiser,
strolling toward a swarming
crowd, sound of cockroach-
scuttle coming out of
speakers. and a wailing.
Copyright 2012 Hans Ostrom
Monday, February 13, 2012
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Friday, February 10, 2012
New Novel About a Bizarre Plague
So I finally published my most recent novel via Kindle. It is called WITHOUT ONE, and it concerns a bizarre epidemic that strikes in the near future and that hits men where they live--but otherwise let's them live. One tag-line, so to speak, is "Something is happening to men; their penises are falling off."
Mostly droll satire, I'd say, with some pathos and comedy. The ensemble-cast includes first sufferers, researchers, doctors, media-folk, conspiracy-theorists, and of course politicians, including the POTUS.
The disease is soon known as RAPIDS--Rapid Penile Degeneration Syndrome.
My favorite anecdote from my adventures in trying to find an agent for the book: A male agent responded almost immediately to the email query and wrote, "I couldn't possibly represent this book because I have a fear of castration." Which was funny. And which, to me, suggested the book might have some appeal. Technically, the disease doesn't castrate, but I got his drift. I think I apologized for scaring him, too.
Anyway, if you're not scared, and in the unlikely event you have time to read, sigh, another novel, and you like somewhat bizarre fiction, here is a link:
Without One
Mostly droll satire, I'd say, with some pathos and comedy. The ensemble-cast includes first sufferers, researchers, doctors, media-folk, conspiracy-theorists, and of course politicians, including the POTUS.
The disease is soon known as RAPIDS--Rapid Penile Degeneration Syndrome.
My favorite anecdote from my adventures in trying to find an agent for the book: A male agent responded almost immediately to the email query and wrote, "I couldn't possibly represent this book because I have a fear of castration." Which was funny. And which, to me, suggested the book might have some appeal. Technically, the disease doesn't castrate, but I got his drift. I think I apologized for scaring him, too.
Anyway, if you're not scared, and in the unlikely event you have time to read, sigh, another novel, and you like somewhat bizarre fiction, here is a link:
Without One
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Anti-Epic
*
*
*
*
Anti-Epic
Here's a thought: stay home.
Quell grandiose ideas.
Let understanding invade you.
Consider all those people
and animals you won't kill.
Admit that whatever you
would seek doesn't exist--
revenge; a cup; glory.
Construct manageable
fantasies. You're an organism
that eats and sleeps. A deeper epic
lies in being nothing special.
Copyright 2012 Hans Ostrom
*
*
*
Anti-Epic
Here's a thought: stay home.
Quell grandiose ideas.
Let understanding invade you.
Consider all those people
and animals you won't kill.
Admit that whatever you
would seek doesn't exist--
revenge; a cup; glory.
Construct manageable
fantasies. You're an organism
that eats and sleeps. A deeper epic
lies in being nothing special.
Copyright 2012 Hans Ostrom
Dog Outside a Bar
*
*
*
*
Dog Outside a Bar
Memory is loyalty
to something not there.
I sit outside the past
like a dog outside
a bar, and what
I'm waiting for went
out the back door
hours ago. I furrow
my brow and alert
my ears and eyes.
And I remember.
The future wants
to take me for a
walk. It hooks
a leash to my collar.
And here we go.
Copyright 2012 Hans Ostrom
*
*
*
Dog Outside a Bar
Memory is loyalty
to something not there.
I sit outside the past
like a dog outside
a bar, and what
I'm waiting for went
out the back door
hours ago. I furrow
my brow and alert
my ears and eyes.
And I remember.
The future wants
to take me for a
walk. It hooks
a leash to my collar.
And here we go.
Copyright 2012 Hans Ostrom
Monday, February 6, 2012
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Friday, February 3, 2012
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Wislawa Szimborska
Wislawa Szimborska, the Polish poet and Nobel Laureate, has died, age 88. Bless her. What a splendid writer. An obituary:
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/02/02/books/wislawa-szymborska-nobel-winning-polish-poet-dies-at-88.html
A recording of a poem:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=92dakW05yGs
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/02/02/books/wislawa-szymborska-nobel-winning-polish-poet-dies-at-88.html
A recording of a poem:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=92dakW05yGs
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Monday, January 30, 2012
And On Forever
*
*
*
And On Forever
A brisk wind blowing
across a high mountain
meadow continues
after I imagine it, after
I die. It goes on and on
forever in that place.
Copyright 2012
*
*
And On Forever
A brisk wind blowing
across a high mountain
meadow continues
after I imagine it, after
I die. It goes on and on
forever in that place.
Copyright 2012
Ghosts Are Comfortable
*
*
*
*
*
Ghosts Are Comfortable
When ghosts want to take a break
from ghosting, they sometimes visit
my place. They know I won't
expect anything from them--
not fright, news, melodramatic
Hamlet-crap, or broken dishes.
To be a ghost is to be
a permanent yearning.
It takes a lot of energy.
I've always understood
that about ghosts--
how hard they work.
Copyright 2012 Hans Ostrom
*
*
*
*
Ghosts Are Comfortable
When ghosts want to take a break
from ghosting, they sometimes visit
my place. They know I won't
expect anything from them--
not fright, news, melodramatic
Hamlet-crap, or broken dishes.
To be a ghost is to be
a permanent yearning.
It takes a lot of energy.
I've always understood
that about ghosts--
how hard they work.
Copyright 2012 Hans Ostrom
Friday, January 27, 2012
Fact and Miracle
*
*
*
*
Fact and Miracle
The sun stays on
all the time. What
is the difference
between a fact
and a miracle?
I wonder how many
people around
this world tonight are
looking for proof of something.
If you are reading
this, then you are
alive, and that is
excellent news. What's
the difference between
a fact and a miracle?
Copyright 2012 Hans Ostrom
*
*
*
Fact and Miracle
The sun stays on
all the time. What
is the difference
between a fact
and a miracle?
I wonder how many
people around
this world tonight are
looking for proof of something.
If you are reading
this, then you are
alive, and that is
excellent news. What's
the difference between
a fact and a miracle?
Copyright 2012 Hans Ostrom
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Monday, January 23, 2012
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Friday, January 20, 2012
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Monday, January 16, 2012
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Friday, January 13, 2012
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Monday, January 9, 2012
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Friday, January 6, 2012
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Saturday, December 31, 2011
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