We all know the generic problems with advice: we're not ready to listen to it even if it's good; it's bad; it comes in a package that guarantees we won't follow it; it's more about power than wisdom; we have to, apparently, make our mistakes; we just don't like the person giving the advice; and so on.
As to problems with advice given to younger or new writers (new to poetry, let's say, not writing in general), . . . .
1. Most of it is too broad. I think I remember being a young poet (I believe it was in the late 19th century), and I recall hearing and/or reading "write what you know" and "show, don't tell." The latter remains pretty good advice when accompanied immediately by examples; nonetheless, fiction especially depends on telling, often to speed things up. And the triumph of imagery has been so widespread that one gets bore with it sometimes and years to hear a statement or an opinion. "Tell me something, bro! Speak it, sister." As to the former, "write what you know," it's hard to know what one knows. If we take into consideration the mental landscape, we know lots of things we haven't experienced directly. Some young writers have been known to read a lot, so that's part of what they know, even if they work on a farm or program computers. Plus, we imaginative writers are supposed to make stuff up, yes? And then--maybe this happened/happens to you--you hear these or other general bits of advice, and you don't disagree, but you think, hey, that's great, but what about this piece of writing I'm working on? I first read The Triggering Town (Richard Hugo) many, many moons ago, but I remember that the advice in there that stuck with me the longest and proved most useful was the very specific stuff: arbitrarily repeat a sound from the previous line of poetry in the next one; get rid of connectives (often, not always) like "but," "although," "however"; don't throw bad poems away because you can always strip them for parts; don't erase a word--line through it so you can still see it. One of the best pieces of advice I received from Karl Shapiro concerned writing/practicing blank verse (I paraphrase): "Just memorize a line from Shakespeare, keep the rhythm of that specific line in your head, and write." I think I first used "But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?" because I still had visions of Olivia Hussey in my head and because (nerd-alert) I kind of liked that big caesura early in the line.
2. The advice isn't tailored enough to the individual writer. Classes in creative writing have their legions of critics, and Lord knows lots of the classes probably have it coming. One advantage (for me the teacher and them the writers) of a semester-long class, however, is that I get to see how Ivana's (to invent a student) poetry takes shape in her particular case. I have some sense of what she's going for in a new poem--in terms of phrasing, tone, attitude. I have a sense of the strengths and weaknesses that show up in Ivana's first drafts, often, and I know that some of these alleged "weaknesses" are just point on the path as she moves toward the final draft, so I'm less likely to over-react to them, or to preach about them: "show don't tell!" And I get an opportunity, often late in the term, to suggest, "Why don't you try a different kind of poem?" So Ivana may have written three fine poems of a certain kind in a row, and that's good, but I can say, in effect, I don't think the class ever looked in this room as Ivana and I and the class take the tour of the poetry-house. And usually Ivana will say, "Oh, yeah! --Yeah, I'd like to try that kind of poem." And that spark--the zest with which a new or experienced poet goes after something new--is often more valuable than an effect provided by more generic words of "wisdom."
3. It's not so much at all young/new writers have to make the same "mistakes" other writers have, and it's not so much that general advice is necessarily bad; it's that a lot of things a young/new writer has to work out, through much writing, is sui generis. The young/new writer has to work out this particular problem s/he has when writing about the one river she knows well. And s/he probably has to do it the way a lot of left-handed batters in baseball have to work on not getting struck out on the inside-and-low pitch: lots of batting practice; many scribblings. It's not wrong or unhelpful for the coach to say some advice during batting practice, but without the batting practice, the advice is a pitch in the dirt, too.
At any rate, my advice to younger/new writers is, um, well--I don't think I have any at the moment, and the advice I've published is, having been published, easy enough to avoid or ignore. You go!
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Advice for Aging Poets
Definition: An aging poet is any poet conscious of his or her aging. Note: It is often appropriate to insert "anxiously" before "conscious." Within reason, there is no minimum or maximum age. For instance, a 20-year-old poet might be anxiously conscious of aging, and an 85-year-old poet may anxiously regret never having achieved ambition x.
1. Never worry about your place in [American, English, Turkish, West Coast, Pacific Islander, Southern, Russian, West Virginian, New York, Sydney, Canadian Plains, etc.] Poetry. If you have one, it's an illusion, or you're a fraud, or both. If you don't have one, you and your poetry are probably the better for it.
2. Write to surprise yourself.
3. If other poets are sucking up to you, for any reason, run away. If you are a small-press publisher or a poetry editor or the director of an MFA program as well as a poet, you know the reason.
4. What have you always liked about writing poetry? Write from that pleasure.
5. If you or someone else considers you to be "the voice" of anything or any place--nature, used tires, Belgium, a generation, a movement, drunken sailors--resign the post immediately. If you aspire to be "the voice" of anything or any place, stop.
6. If no one wants to publish your latest book, publish it yourself--or don't publish it. To hell with contests, publishers, critics, and editors*: the Poetry Biz isn't poetry. If God had wanted publishers, poetry clubs, regional cliques, academic cliques, magazine-cliques, conferences, and so on, to remain in power, God wouldn't have allowed the Internet, which is the revenge of William Blake and many more. Also remember what Emily Dickinson wrote: "publication is the auction of the mind." Look, almost all of us like publication. But keep it real.
7. Behave generously toward all other poets (and writers and readers) unless they misbehave, in which case simply ignore them. "Misbehave" simply means that a poet goes out of his or her way to disrespect you, for example.
8. Write every day, other worthy obligations permitting.
9. Stop giving poetry readings unless a) they pay and you need the money, b) you really seem to need the attention, c) you genuinely enjoy reading, and/or d) you can't get laid by any other means**. P.S. Always read for fewer minutes than you are allotted.
10. Get in touch with your inner obscurity.
11. Write the very best poetry that [your name here] is going to write.
12. If you or anyone else speaks or writes about "the state of poetry," please know that right away, five minutes later, a year later, or a decade later (and so on) you or the other person will be proved wrong. Just think of those clowns who ridiculed Keats or the ones who ignored Langston Hughes or the ones who never heard of Emily Dickinson as they surveyed the literary scene. But it's irresistible sometimes to opine about the state of poetry, and and it can be fun.
12A. As you weren't born yesterday, evidently, you may have seen this coming: don't follow the advice of other aging poets, unless you already happen to agree with it, or unless the poet is one of two poetry sages known to live in North Carolina.***
* excepting the one or two people you really trust to tell you what's wrong with this or that poem, line, etc.
** this is a joke; mostly
*** this is not a joke; mostly
1. Never worry about your place in [American, English, Turkish, West Coast, Pacific Islander, Southern, Russian, West Virginian, New York, Sydney, Canadian Plains, etc.] Poetry. If you have one, it's an illusion, or you're a fraud, or both. If you don't have one, you and your poetry are probably the better for it.
2. Write to surprise yourself.
3. If other poets are sucking up to you, for any reason, run away. If you are a small-press publisher or a poetry editor or the director of an MFA program as well as a poet, you know the reason.
4. What have you always liked about writing poetry? Write from that pleasure.
5. If you or someone else considers you to be "the voice" of anything or any place--nature, used tires, Belgium, a generation, a movement, drunken sailors--resign the post immediately. If you aspire to be "the voice" of anything or any place, stop.
6. If no one wants to publish your latest book, publish it yourself--or don't publish it. To hell with contests, publishers, critics, and editors*: the Poetry Biz isn't poetry. If God had wanted publishers, poetry clubs, regional cliques, academic cliques, magazine-cliques, conferences, and so on, to remain in power, God wouldn't have allowed the Internet, which is the revenge of William Blake and many more. Also remember what Emily Dickinson wrote: "publication is the auction of the mind." Look, almost all of us like publication. But keep it real.
7. Behave generously toward all other poets (and writers and readers) unless they misbehave, in which case simply ignore them. "Misbehave" simply means that a poet goes out of his or her way to disrespect you, for example.
8. Write every day, other worthy obligations permitting.
9. Stop giving poetry readings unless a) they pay and you need the money, b) you really seem to need the attention, c) you genuinely enjoy reading, and/or d) you can't get laid by any other means**. P.S. Always read for fewer minutes than you are allotted.
10. Get in touch with your inner obscurity.
11. Write the very best poetry that [your name here] is going to write.
12. If you or anyone else speaks or writes about "the state of poetry," please know that right away, five minutes later, a year later, or a decade later (and so on) you or the other person will be proved wrong. Just think of those clowns who ridiculed Keats or the ones who ignored Langston Hughes or the ones who never heard of Emily Dickinson as they surveyed the literary scene. But it's irresistible sometimes to opine about the state of poetry, and and it can be fun.
12A. As you weren't born yesterday, evidently, you may have seen this coming: don't follow the advice of other aging poets, unless you already happen to agree with it, or unless the poet is one of two poetry sages known to live in North Carolina.***
* excepting the one or two people you really trust to tell you what's wrong with this or that poem, line, etc.
** this is a joke; mostly
*** this is not a joke; mostly
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Monday, April 23, 2012
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Friday, April 20, 2012
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Dotted Man
He was sitting in the waiting room
of the dermatologist's office, there
for his annual scan. Ten years
earlier, melanoma had appeared.
A surgeon had carved it out of his leg.
"I've brought my moles with me,"
he thought. "--The brown, the black-
brown, the raised, the flat, the cherry
red. I am," he thought, "a dotted man."
A woman came into the office.
Her hair was yellowish orange.
She ordered a bottle of special
shampoo. To the receptionist,
she said, "And I'm not homeless
anymore!" The man saw immediately
how rare and grand it was
to have an abode to return to.
To have an incoming stream
of the magical symbol, money.
to have a fed body dotted
with moles. To be ten years
out from melanoma.
He wanted to share his good news,
as the woman had done. He
admired her. He wanted to cry,
"My body is covered with a
wide variety of moles, and I
have a warm shelter to go to!"
But he remained silent. The
woman left. He picked up
a month-old magazine
about nature.
--Hans Ostrom
of the dermatologist's office, there
for his annual scan. Ten years
earlier, melanoma had appeared.
A surgeon had carved it out of his leg.
"I've brought my moles with me,"
he thought. "--The brown, the black-
brown, the raised, the flat, the cherry
red. I am," he thought, "a dotted man."
A woman came into the office.
Her hair was yellowish orange.
She ordered a bottle of special
shampoo. To the receptionist,
she said, "And I'm not homeless
anymore!" The man saw immediately
how rare and grand it was
to have an abode to return to.
To have an incoming stream
of the magical symbol, money.
to have a fed body dotted
with moles. To be ten years
out from melanoma.
He wanted to share his good news,
as the woman had done. He
admired her. He wanted to cry,
"My body is covered with a
wide variety of moles, and I
have a warm shelter to go to!"
But he remained silent. The
woman left. He picked up
a month-old magazine
about nature.
--Hans Ostrom
The Obscurity Zone
Okay, Mr. Tobbs. This is it.
This is your last chance before
you die to become famous.
Ready? Go!
Well, your score was better
than before, Mr. Tobbs,
but I'm afraid once again
you didn't pass. See right
here? According to the chart,
your score is still well
within the Obscurity Zone.
Copyright 2012
This is your last chance before
you die to become famous.
Ready? Go!
Well, your score was better
than before, Mr. Tobbs,
but I'm afraid once again
you didn't pass. See right
here? According to the chart,
your score is still well
within the Obscurity Zone.
Copyright 2012
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Friday, April 13, 2012
Bank Statement
I opened up my bank-statement (I
like it still on paper). It stated:
"This amount is some pitiful shit."
It went on to say, "Man, you got
to get a lot more, and you got
to keep what you get."
The statement ended with this:
"Meanwhile, we'll lend to others
this pitiful amount, make a
percentage, and charge you
fees. See how it's done?
Love, the Bank."
Copyright 2012 Hans Ostrom
like it still on paper). It stated:
"This amount is some pitiful shit."
It went on to say, "Man, you got
to get a lot more, and you got
to keep what you get."
The statement ended with this:
"Meanwhile, we'll lend to others
this pitiful amount, make a
percentage, and charge you
fees. See how it's done?
Love, the Bank."
Copyright 2012 Hans Ostrom
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Titles of Poems I've Never Tried to Write
(but be my guest)
The Tahiti Concerto
Guitar Strings and Hunger
Coleman Hawkins and Edgar Allan Poe
Asphalt Catfish
American History Bombing
A Swedish Interrogative
I Can't Know What It's Like
Right On, Off, On, Off
Give Chance a Peace
Gambling With Frogs
The Home Shopping Network Visits Plato's Republic
What Should I Do?
Clues to Your Beauty
The Ruling Class Doesn't Like to Lose
Go Deconstruct Yourself
Christians and Guns
Always Afraid
The Rabbi Writes Poetry
May I Live Forever in One Summer, Please?
The Tahiti Concerto
Guitar Strings and Hunger
Coleman Hawkins and Edgar Allan Poe
Asphalt Catfish
American History Bombing
A Swedish Interrogative
I Can't Know What It's Like
Right On, Off, On, Off
Give Chance a Peace
Gambling With Frogs
The Home Shopping Network Visits Plato's Republic
What Should I Do?
Clues to Your Beauty
The Ruling Class Doesn't Like to Lose
Go Deconstruct Yourself
Christians and Guns
Always Afraid
The Rabbi Writes Poetry
May I Live Forever in One Summer, Please?
Monday, April 9, 2012
Sled Dog
Yeah, I'm lying down.
Feed me or don't. In a pinch,
I can eat you. What I know is,
white man in another creature's
fur, if the sled's going to be pulled
across this idiotic white expanse,
you're going to have to pull it
yourself. I'm done. We're done.
You never thought dogs would
go on strike. To us, freezing or
starving to death look like a
vacation. What do they look like
to you, Boss, as you shiver
and yell and try to get a
signal for your phone?
Hans Ostrom
copyright 2012
Feed me or don't. In a pinch,
I can eat you. What I know is,
white man in another creature's
fur, if the sled's going to be pulled
across this idiotic white expanse,
you're going to have to pull it
yourself. I'm done. We're done.
You never thought dogs would
go on strike. To us, freezing or
starving to death look like a
vacation. What do they look like
to you, Boss, as you shiver
and yell and try to get a
signal for your phone?
Hans Ostrom
copyright 2012
Friday, April 6, 2012
Mister Lincoln Rose
A wee fist comes out
of a Mister Lincoln rose,
taps your nose.
You hear a voice, which purrs,
slurs like a kind, formidable,
boozy perfumed aunt: "This,
kiddo, is what a rose
is supposed to smell like. Not
like the nothing-blooms in
the goddamned florist's deep-freeze."
Copyright 2012 Hans Ostrom
of a Mister Lincoln rose,
taps your nose.
You hear a voice, which purrs,
slurs like a kind, formidable,
boozy perfumed aunt: "This,
kiddo, is what a rose
is supposed to smell like. Not
like the nothing-blooms in
the goddamned florist's deep-freeze."
Copyright 2012 Hans Ostrom
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Wendy Perriam: New Books Out
British novelist and short-story writer Wendy Perriam has two new books out. One is actually the paperback edition of a fine novel published in 2010: BROKEN PLACES, which concerns--in part--libraries. A witty, deft writer, Perriam has been compared to Martin Amis.
The other book, "I'm On the Train!", is a new collection of stories.
Here's a link to amazon, where you may also take a look at Wendy's other novels and collections:
http://www.amazon.com/Broken-Places-Wendy-Perriam/dp/0709090986/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1333548606&sr=1-3
The other book, "I'm On the Train!", is a new collection of stories.
Here's a link to amazon, where you may also take a look at Wendy's other novels and collections:
http://www.amazon.com/Broken-Places-Wendy-Perriam/dp/0709090986/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1333548606&sr=1-3
Monday, April 2, 2012
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Crime Novel Set in the Sierra
My first published novel was also my first published crime, or detective, novel. It is set in a small county in the Sierra Nevada of California. It's called THREE TO GET READY. Here's how little I knew about the inner workings of the mystery/crime/detective genre back then: When I got a copy of a favorable review of the book, I noticed that the reviewer called it a "procedural," which refers to a crime novel in which the detective/protagonist is a professional. As my protagonist is a sheriff, my novel is a "procedural." I said to my wife, "Honey, I wrote a 'procedural'!"
Anyway, the novel is now available at what I imagine to be a reasonable price--$3.95--on Kindle:
http://www.amazon.com/Three-To-Get-Ready-ebook/dp/B007QMHUSA/ref=sr_1_cc_1?s=aps&ie=UTF8&qid=1333329396&sr=1-1-catcorr
Anyway, the novel is now available at what I imagine to be a reasonable price--$3.95--on Kindle:
http://www.amazon.com/Three-To-Get-Ready-ebook/dp/B007QMHUSA/ref=sr_1_cc_1?s=aps&ie=UTF8&qid=1333329396&sr=1-1-catcorr
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Friday, March 30, 2012
Red: A Book: 82. Lois And The Greatness of American Poetry
Red: A Book: 82. Lois And The Greatness of American Poetry: Lois read where some noted assessor of poetry had opined that American poetry was in danger of losing its "greatness.' She was relieved to ...
Red: A Book: 188. Meatloaf Writers Conference
Red: A Book: 188. Meatloaf Writers Conference: At the Meatloaf Writers Conference, famous authors call each other by nicknames and speak in complacent ironies. A homeless man sneaks int...
Red: A Book: 139. She Was Just Out of the Bath
Red: A Book: 139. She Was Just Out of the Bath: Not long out of the bath, she wore a robe. She sat back in their favorite chair, expansive and plush, and he sat on the floor, painting her ...
Red: A Book: 136. Hiram Muses Priapically
Red: A Book: 136. Hiram Muses Priapically: Hiram found himself moved to muse on his phallus. He, too, thought the subject tedious, and yet there he was, musing on it. Hiram's cock h...
On the Death of Icons
for C.M
The ones who helped to stitch together
the fabric of your world--
maybe they sang and strummed,
played games professionally,
acted, stood in the hell of politics
speaking of heaven, wrote a poem
or book you fell into, or by some other
means told you who you were and
weren't. When another one of these goes
over the falls that drop into no pool forever,
you find yourself in a narrow canyon, all
alone, as bewildered as a child, increasingly
indifferent to the path that leads
you out of there.
The ones who helped to stitch together
the fabric of your world--
maybe they sang and strummed,
played games professionally,
acted, stood in the hell of politics
speaking of heaven, wrote a poem
or book you fell into, or by some other
means told you who you were and
weren't. When another one of these goes
over the falls that drop into no pool forever,
you find yourself in a narrow canyon, all
alone, as bewildered as a child, increasingly
indifferent to the path that leads
you out of there.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Emily Dickinson on Twitter
I'll leave it to
my forest friends
to tweet --
mellifluent --
and brief --
and often sweet.
Their message
stays the same --
"We are! We are!"
They travel here --
each spring --
from very far.
Of PC -- of Mac --
of Twitter account --
they have no need.
Just throat --
and beak -- and tiny
tongue for reed.
Copyright 2012 Hans Ostrom
my forest friends
to tweet --
mellifluent --
and brief --
and often sweet.
Their message
stays the same --
"We are! We are!"
They travel here --
each spring --
from very far.
Of PC -- of Mac --
of Twitter account --
they have no need.
Just throat --
and beak -- and tiny
tongue for reed.
Copyright 2012 Hans Ostrom
To the Makery
Got to get me down
to the makery
to make something,
something to serve
as an antidote
and a spirit-tote,
to act as a counter-to
to all this fakery.
Got to stay hey
miles away from
that damned hatery,
where crowds go now
to get their menace on.
That's one muther of a
bad drug, hate.
It will kill you but sometimes
only after you
kill somebody else.
If you want, we can go
to the lakery. We can
visit with wise catfish,
cool down our bodies
and our souls, get away from
the most of the everybody.
And after we're cool,
we can get down
to the makery.
Copyright 2012
to the makery
to make something,
something to serve
as an antidote
and a spirit-tote,
to act as a counter-to
to all this fakery.
Got to stay hey
miles away from
that damned hatery,
where crowds go now
to get their menace on.
That's one muther of a
bad drug, hate.
It will kill you but sometimes
only after you
kill somebody else.
If you want, we can go
to the lakery. We can
visit with wise catfish,
cool down our bodies
and our souls, get away from
the most of the everybody.
And after we're cool,
we can get down
to the makery.
Copyright 2012
Monday, March 26, 2012
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Men Suffering A Drop-Off
By Hans Ostrom
“Something is
happening to men—their penises are falling off.” That’s the first line from a synopsis of my
new novel, Without One, which is available inexpensively on Kindle, free to Kindle Prime members:
Link: Without One on Kindle
Link: Without One on Kindle
The premise of the novel is that a strange new microbial
plague strikes in the near future.
Although the microbe is a flesh-eater, it has a modest appetite. It devours men’s penises but is self-limiting
and stops there, leaving those affected healthy again but obviously not
whole. At any rate, the plague soon
gets its own acronym: RAPIDS: RAPID PENILE DEGENERATION SYNDROME, and RAPIDS,
as they say in Twitter-Land, is trending.
When I started writing the novel, I didn’t think the premise
was all that outlandish, given the history of satire. Gulliver’s
Travels does some wild things with the body, for example, and more
particularly, the protagonist and narrator of Tristram Shandy has his own phallic issues. I thought the comic, satiric, and farcical
implications of such a premise would allow people to move quickly beyond
certain gruesome images that might spring to mind, and as I constructed the
plot, I kept the gory details to a minimum.
But I had a heck of a time getting agents and editors
interested in the book. One well-known
agent who prides himself on being open to the most fantastical plots and
premises wrote back and said, “Sorry—too much, even for me.” A less well-known agent—another male—wrote that
he couldn’t possibly represent the book because he had a morbid fear of
castration. My response, which I didn’t
share with him, was, well, doesn’t that mean the book is marketable? I didn’t see the novel as horror fiction, but
horror fiction exploits people’s fears in a fictionally safe way, right?
Now, however, I think I have more reason to indulge in the
fantasy that Without One is a book
whose time has arrived, and I have the GOP to thank. They’re determined to politicize genitalia
and sexuality. True, they focus exclusively on women’s private parts, not to
mention their private rights. Apparently
nothing to do with female sexuality is sacred to them. In a roundabout way, via the issue of gay
marriage, they get around to male sexuality, but they are positively obsessed
with controlling women’s bodies, in my opinion.
But if you’ll notice, they don’t touch the penis, so to
speak. If males want to buy
contraception, they’re free to do so, without being forced to watch videos, have
their penises undergo a sonogram, or tell their bosses why they’re buying
condoms. (“Uh, we’re going to make water-balloons out of them.”)
According to the GOP view, men are also free to impregnate a
woman and then have her suffer all the consequences, have her choices about how
to handle the pregnancy limited, and so on.
The GOP’s logic concerning
contraception—you’d think that, if they’re against abortion, they’d be for
contraception—makes an Escher print look realistic.
So it’s high time, I argue, imitating the self-serving logic
of the GOP, that we had a novel that shifts the focus from women and puts it on
the masculine member.
Without One
follows an ensemble cast of sufferers, journalists, doctors, epidemiologists,
evangelical preachers, activists, conspiracy-theorists as society struggles to
come to grips, as it were, with RAPIDS, which has almost everyone reconsidering
what it means to be a man if the man suffers a drop-off. The tale goes all the way to Washington
D.C., where it takes a detour around the wounded Washington Monument and amble to the White House, where the
president—one Luther De Long—has reason to suspect he’s been exposed to
RAPIDS.
Is he a Republican or a Democrat? The novel doesn’t say—because RAPIDS doesn’t
respect such boundaries. Respect
boundaries: what a concept.
Published by Congruent
Angle Press, Without One is available for download to Kindle on amazon.com.
Hans Ostrom is a poet,
novelist, and screenwriter. With Michael
Kerr, he co-wrote the script for the soon-to-be-filmed romantic thriller,
“NAPA,” starring Rose McGowan, Sean Astin, and Kevin Pollack. He teaches at the University of Puget Sound,
Tacoma, Wash.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Monday, March 19, 2012
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Monday, March 12, 2012
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Friday, March 9, 2012
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
The Literary Agents Speak to the Novelists
* Although the writing is good, the characters strong, and the story compelling, I just didn't fall in love with the book. Also, I'm dating another book right now.
* Given the market for fiction right now, I don't feel I can successfully represent this book. Your book's like a little piggy that's not going to market!
* I found your characters to be one-dimensional like the paper they were written on. I simply wasn't drawn into the story in a two-dimensional way. I used to study art. My favorite color is red. I went to Vassar. I live in Brooklyn.
* Thank you for the opportunity to read your novel. I don't feel I'm the best agent to represent it. I wish you much success. Being a writer, you must find some perverse appeal to this robotic kind of rejection.
* Thank you for your query. Due to the overwhelming number of queries we receive, we are overwhelmed. Unfortunately, we represent a small number of established clients, as opposed to an established number of small clients. Wait--I mean "fortunately." Therefore we must pass on the opportunity to represent you. We are passing.
* I used to like reading novels. Now I hate it. I have lunch with famous writers. I hate that, too. My favorite novel was published in 1951. I still masturbate to it. Editors are insufferable. New York is expensive, loud, crowded, and dirty. Help!
* You think Ingvold is an interesting character. We don't. In fact, we had a good laugh when I read the sentences describing him out loud. How can you stand to live on the West Coast? Isn't that almost China? Who names characters "Ingvold"? Ew.
* I'm afraid I lost interest in the book halfway through. I also lost the pages from the second half. Sorry. Good luck! I start drinking gin at noon every day.
* Your novel contains references to several different kinds of blades. I couldn't possibly represent it because I have a terrible fear of castration.
* I wasn't offended at all by your premise, unusual though it is. I just don't want to represent the book. I love being so picky! Ha, ha, ha!
* I've never heard of you. No one I know has heard of you. Where did you get your MFA? Did you get an MFA? Who do you know? The novel may be good, but I don't have time to read it, and no one's ever heard of you. Are you in Witness Protection? We represent celebrity novelists with multi-platform appeal that we can leverage. Am I getting through to you?
* Given the market for fiction right now, I don't feel I can successfully represent this book. Your book's like a little piggy that's not going to market!
* I found your characters to be one-dimensional like the paper they were written on. I simply wasn't drawn into the story in a two-dimensional way. I used to study art. My favorite color is red. I went to Vassar. I live in Brooklyn.
* Thank you for the opportunity to read your novel. I don't feel I'm the best agent to represent it. I wish you much success. Being a writer, you must find some perverse appeal to this robotic kind of rejection.
* Thank you for your query. Due to the overwhelming number of queries we receive, we are overwhelmed. Unfortunately, we represent a small number of established clients, as opposed to an established number of small clients. Wait--I mean "fortunately." Therefore we must pass on the opportunity to represent you. We are passing.
* I used to like reading novels. Now I hate it. I have lunch with famous writers. I hate that, too. My favorite novel was published in 1951. I still masturbate to it. Editors are insufferable. New York is expensive, loud, crowded, and dirty. Help!
* You think Ingvold is an interesting character. We don't. In fact, we had a good laugh when I read the sentences describing him out loud. How can you stand to live on the West Coast? Isn't that almost China? Who names characters "Ingvold"? Ew.
* I'm afraid I lost interest in the book halfway through. I also lost the pages from the second half. Sorry. Good luck! I start drinking gin at noon every day.
* Your novel contains references to several different kinds of blades. I couldn't possibly represent it because I have a terrible fear of castration.
* I wasn't offended at all by your premise, unusual though it is. I just don't want to represent the book. I love being so picky! Ha, ha, ha!
* I've never heard of you. No one I know has heard of you. Where did you get your MFA? Did you get an MFA? Who do you know? The novel may be good, but I don't have time to read it, and no one's ever heard of you. Are you in Witness Protection? We represent celebrity novelists with multi-platform appeal that we can leverage. Am I getting through to you?
The Situation
even if you believe in a
divine ordering, you have to feel
the absurdity of our wee
ball-bearing, which spins
in a corner of infinity.
there's no way
to make sense of the situation,
so you just live in the situation
as you find it. i will not say God
isn't. how could i know that?
us and our "minds": ha!
this is one unfathomable
situation, this situation of
ours, for sure.
Copyright 2012 Hans Ostrom
divine ordering, you have to feel
the absurdity of our wee
ball-bearing, which spins
in a corner of infinity.
there's no way
to make sense of the situation,
so you just live in the situation
as you find it. i will not say God
isn't. how could i know that?
us and our "minds": ha!
this is one unfathomable
situation, this situation of
ours, for sure.
Copyright 2012 Hans Ostrom
E.B.B.'s birthday
I hear it's Elizabeth Barrett Browning's birthday today. Here's a link to a recording of her poem called "Love" (not the ultra-famous sonnet, by the way):
LINK
LINK
Monday, March 5, 2012
Literary Spat
A noted literary critic writing
a scathing review of a poetry anthology
edited by a noted poet does have
the sheen of a fresh gleaming
hound's turd--this much is true.
Also true is that review, critic,
poet, anthology, and opinions
about opinions will dessicate
as rapidly as the hound's deposit,
turn chalky white,
then go to fine dust,
which is then worked
into soil by water
from a noted rainstorm.
Copyright 2012 Hans Ostrom
a scathing review of a poetry anthology
edited by a noted poet does have
the sheen of a fresh gleaming
hound's turd--this much is true.
Also true is that review, critic,
poet, anthology, and opinions
about opinions will dessicate
as rapidly as the hound's deposit,
turn chalky white,
then go to fine dust,
which is then worked
into soil by water
from a noted rainstorm.
Copyright 2012 Hans Ostrom
Relatiionship Weather Report
Take a look at our radar map,
and you'll see that by tomorrow morning,
a low-pressure area will move in
over our relationship.
This could create some moisture
by mid-day, in the form of tears
and perspiration. As we get further
into the week, the temperature
between us will drop, and by week's
end, we could be seeing an extreme-
relationship-warning. There is a 50%
chance of a break-up by Saturday,
so you'll want to dress
appropriately. Please visit our
me-and-you-ologist's site for
up-to-the-minute information.
Copyright 2012 Hans Ostrom
A Casino
A casino's like Heaven.
Everyone's from somewhere else
and they focus on metaphysics:
chance, fate, grace, fortune,
and suspension of time.
It is like Hell.
It accelerates desire,
distracts from rest.
Crowds circulate
zombically, and sounds
of jangling mocks music.
Theft jeers kindness.
A casino's like us,
who pretend to be callous,
corrupt, and daring,
but who lack sufficient
guile (and funds), tire
easily, and need to go
to the bathroom.
It banishes subtlety.
We love it for that.
It is humorless,
puritanically crass.
We don't forgive it that.
It is life. I always wins
because it never gambles.
Copyright 2012 Hans Ostrom
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Friday, February 24, 2012
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
White Silence
*
*
*
*
White Silence
Emily, I love you, but some
truths can't be told slant.
This country's never made
right what it did and does
to Black folks. On that score,
its soul is rotten and always
will be until it makes things
right. Its edifices will forever
be without foundation until
it makes things right.
Emily, more White folks
need to break this White silence,
which covers the U.S. like
Antarctic ice. It is White folks
who must insist at last
that this nation face itself
at what it did, and what it does.
Copyright 2012
*
*
*
White Silence
Emily, I love you, but some
truths can't be told slant.
This country's never made
right what it did and does
to Black folks. On that score,
its soul is rotten and always
will be until it makes things
right. Its edifices will forever
be without foundation until
it makes things right.
Emily, more White folks
need to break this White silence,
which covers the U.S. like
Antarctic ice. It is White folks
who must insist at last
that this nation face itself
at what it did, and what it does.
Copyright 2012
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Fat Man on the Radio
*
*
*
*
Fat Man on the Radio
There's a fat man on the radio
who thinks he knows it all.
My truck is stuck out on I-5.
I'd settle for a crawl.
I have to get this load to Texas
or else I won't get paid.
The blowhard on the radio--
he won't come to my aid.
Fat man on the radio,
jerking people's chains.
The fat man: hell, he just
pretends to know our pains.
Copyright 2012 Hans Ostrom
*
*
*
Fat Man on the Radio
There's a fat man on the radio
who thinks he knows it all.
My truck is stuck out on I-5.
I'd settle for a crawl.
I have to get this load to Texas
or else I won't get paid.
The blowhard on the radio--
he won't come to my aid.
Fat man on the radio,
jerking people's chains.
The fat man: hell, he just
pretends to know our pains.
Copyright 2012 Hans Ostrom
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
see so many just
*
*
*
*
see so many just
i see so many just
hanging on, or not,
staggering in wind
without a coat (as
TV heads mock
people-just-getting-
by); keeping upright
in a job while worrying,
weary, ill, afraid to miss
a shift, target, quota, goal.
see so many
ground down--
and the grinders:
well ensconced with
cosmetic surgery,
lawyers, gates, and
lies. see so many:
cubes and cubes of
housing, broken street
after broken street, &
slashed by alleys. something's
coming. don't know what.
maybe just more of
same. maybe reckoning--
a gray wind chasing
indifference and evil
across a plain full
of smoldering phones
and melted ear-buds.
see something staggering
in the cold, walking past
an empty police cruiser,
strolling toward a swarming
crowd, sound of cockroach-
scuttle coming out of
speakers. and a wailing.
Copyright 2012 Hans Ostrom
*
*
*
see so many just
i see so many just
hanging on, or not,
staggering in wind
without a coat (as
TV heads mock
people-just-getting-
by); keeping upright
in a job while worrying,
weary, ill, afraid to miss
a shift, target, quota, goal.
see so many
ground down--
and the grinders:
well ensconced with
cosmetic surgery,
lawyers, gates, and
lies. see so many:
cubes and cubes of
housing, broken street
after broken street, &
slashed by alleys. something's
coming. don't know what.
maybe just more of
same. maybe reckoning--
a gray wind chasing
indifference and evil
across a plain full
of smoldering phones
and melted ear-buds.
see something staggering
in the cold, walking past
an empty police cruiser,
strolling toward a swarming
crowd, sound of cockroach-
scuttle coming out of
speakers. and a wailing.
Copyright 2012 Hans Ostrom
Monday, February 13, 2012
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Friday, February 10, 2012
New Novel About a Bizarre Plague
So I finally published my most recent novel via Kindle. It is called WITHOUT ONE, and it concerns a bizarre epidemic that strikes in the near future and that hits men where they live--but otherwise let's them live. One tag-line, so to speak, is "Something is happening to men; their penises are falling off."
Mostly droll satire, I'd say, with some pathos and comedy. The ensemble-cast includes first sufferers, researchers, doctors, media-folk, conspiracy-theorists, and of course politicians, including the POTUS.
The disease is soon known as RAPIDS--Rapid Penile Degeneration Syndrome.
My favorite anecdote from my adventures in trying to find an agent for the book: A male agent responded almost immediately to the email query and wrote, "I couldn't possibly represent this book because I have a fear of castration." Which was funny. And which, to me, suggested the book might have some appeal. Technically, the disease doesn't castrate, but I got his drift. I think I apologized for scaring him, too.
Anyway, if you're not scared, and in the unlikely event you have time to read, sigh, another novel, and you like somewhat bizarre fiction, here is a link:
Without One
Mostly droll satire, I'd say, with some pathos and comedy. The ensemble-cast includes first sufferers, researchers, doctors, media-folk, conspiracy-theorists, and of course politicians, including the POTUS.
The disease is soon known as RAPIDS--Rapid Penile Degeneration Syndrome.
My favorite anecdote from my adventures in trying to find an agent for the book: A male agent responded almost immediately to the email query and wrote, "I couldn't possibly represent this book because I have a fear of castration." Which was funny. And which, to me, suggested the book might have some appeal. Technically, the disease doesn't castrate, but I got his drift. I think I apologized for scaring him, too.
Anyway, if you're not scared, and in the unlikely event you have time to read, sigh, another novel, and you like somewhat bizarre fiction, here is a link:
Without One
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Anti-Epic
*
*
*
*
Anti-Epic
Here's a thought: stay home.
Quell grandiose ideas.
Let understanding invade you.
Consider all those people
and animals you won't kill.
Admit that whatever you
would seek doesn't exist--
revenge; a cup; glory.
Construct manageable
fantasies. You're an organism
that eats and sleeps. A deeper epic
lies in being nothing special.
Copyright 2012 Hans Ostrom
*
*
*
Anti-Epic
Here's a thought: stay home.
Quell grandiose ideas.
Let understanding invade you.
Consider all those people
and animals you won't kill.
Admit that whatever you
would seek doesn't exist--
revenge; a cup; glory.
Construct manageable
fantasies. You're an organism
that eats and sleeps. A deeper epic
lies in being nothing special.
Copyright 2012 Hans Ostrom
Dog Outside a Bar
*
*
*
*
Dog Outside a Bar
Memory is loyalty
to something not there.
I sit outside the past
like a dog outside
a bar, and what
I'm waiting for went
out the back door
hours ago. I furrow
my brow and alert
my ears and eyes.
And I remember.
The future wants
to take me for a
walk. It hooks
a leash to my collar.
And here we go.
Copyright 2012 Hans Ostrom
*
*
*
Dog Outside a Bar
Memory is loyalty
to something not there.
I sit outside the past
like a dog outside
a bar, and what
I'm waiting for went
out the back door
hours ago. I furrow
my brow and alert
my ears and eyes.
And I remember.
The future wants
to take me for a
walk. It hooks
a leash to my collar.
And here we go.
Copyright 2012 Hans Ostrom
Monday, February 6, 2012
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Friday, February 3, 2012
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Wislawa Szimborska
Wislawa Szimborska, the Polish poet and Nobel Laureate, has died, age 88. Bless her. What a splendid writer. An obituary:
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/02/02/books/wislawa-szymborska-nobel-winning-polish-poet-dies-at-88.html
A recording of a poem:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=92dakW05yGs
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/02/02/books/wislawa-szymborska-nobel-winning-polish-poet-dies-at-88.html
A recording of a poem:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=92dakW05yGs
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