Here are some statements U.S. presidents never said, but in some instances I wish they had said them--although in several cases, time-travel would have had to be involved:
"I wish I had a dollar for every dollar on which my portrait appears."
"I agree: on the one-dollar bill, I look more like someone's grandmother than a general."
"The only thing we have to fear isn't just fear. There are Jim Crow Laws, lynching, going to war with Japan, going to war with Germany, unleashing nuclear weaponry, and this list doesn't include stuff in your neighborhood, like a rabid dog or a contagious disease. Nonetheless, let's keep our focus on fear itself."
"I got the Doctrine. Marilyn got the looks."
"I was more honest than Nixon and smarter than Reagan, but that's not saying much, now, is it?"
"Trick or treat!"
"How did I miss the Harlem Renaissance?"
"Yey! You British kids! Get off our lawn!"
James and Dolly Madison
"Napoleon: great general, stupid realtor."
"Writing the Declaration of Independence while owning slaves? Yes, I think that probably qualifies as a form of hypocrisy."
"I warned you about the military-industrial complex, but did you listen? No!"
"You're depressed? Imagine how I feel!"
"We didn't bathe every day back then."
"Gorbachov? Hah! Now, Louis B. Mayer--there was a dictator."
"The day will come when a stuffed animal and a type of lingerie will be named after me."
"Just imagine if I'd lost the election to Bush, and then imagine if he'd been re-elected. Scary thought!"
"Someone had to be Chester Alan Arthur."
--Chester Alan Arthur